Problems in the bedroom are much more common than you might think – even in young men. We spoke to an expert for some actionable advice you can try to get your confidence back – and get it up!
“Problems ‘getting it up’ is one of the most common reasons men reach out to me who want help,” says Leigh Norén, sex therapist and intimacy coach. She’s worked in sexology for about almost a decade, mostly with people in relationships, and focuses on low desire, pressure and stress surrounding sex.
“A lot of men will reach out [to me] because they feel like their erection’s not working in different capacities,” says Norén. “We have to work out if it’s the erection or the desire component. You can split them into two: the erection is arousal, but desire is mental.”
Norén believes that whatever the cause, there is always something that can be done. “You’re not alone and this doesn’t mean that it’s gonna go on forever,” she says. “There are lots of different things you can do to change it.”
So firstly, what is performance anxiety – and why does it happen?
“For a lot of men, [performance anxiety] revolves around their penis – so getting hard or staying hard,” says Norén. “Sometimes it’s about coming sooner than they want to or think they should. It could also be about making your partner come or having them experience pleasure – but often it’s focused around the erection and the difficulties with an erection.”
“There are lots of different reasons why it happens,” explains Norén. “For a lot of people, performance anxiety comes about when you’re stressed, depressed, anxious or you have body image concerns,” says Norén. “Of course age is a factor too, and I would say most men are going to experience some kind of performance anxiety at one time or another.”
“That doesn’t have to mean that everyone’s going to struggle with it for months or years, it could be a one off or it could happen a few times and then not again.”
So, what can I do to improve the problem?
“Most people think, ‘I can just get like Viagra or Cialis’,” says Norén. “Sure you can do that, but a), it’s not gonna work if you don’t have the mental desire and b), it creates this kind of false loop of, ‘well I need that pill to get going’ and that can become a crutch that you can’t really get out of.” Here’s what she recommends trying instead:
Using techniques to ground yourself in the moment
“What you want to try to do is not focus on your erection so much,” says Norén. “That’s very difficult to do at that moment. So instead of thinking ‘I can’t think about this’, focus on what you can think about and ground yourself in the moment.”
Norén recommends the use of the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to do this (so 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste). “So that could be how my partner’s skin feels when I stroke their arm, or the weight of their body, or how my partner’s hair smells or like something very tangible to ground yourself in the moment so you’re not in your head,” she explains. “Then as soon as you notice yourself thinking about your erection – because that is what will happen – just practice redirecting your attention to what you’re doing.”
“It sounds very simple and it is simple, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy,” says Norén. “The more you can practice staying in the moment and not getting lost in your mind, the easier over time it will be for that to happen naturally – and the less anxiety you’re gonna feel in your body. The less anxiety you feel, the easier it will be for your erection to come about and stick around.”
Speak to a sex therapist
There’s no shame in speaking to a therapist, and it can really help if this is something you’ve been facing for a while. “It can be really hard – depending on how long it’s been going on – to get out of [erectile dysfunction] yourself,” says Norén. “You absolutely can, but obviously there are a lot of people who need help along the way.”
“There’s lots of different methods and tools that you can use within sex therapy to help you overcome it,” she explains. “It could also be a good idea depending on how sure someone is whether it is a physical thing or could have a medical component to go to your GP and just check that there’s nothing going on. Then you know if it is more of something to deal with in therapy.”
Focus on your partner
“If we’re thinking about shifting your focus again, try to focus on your partner and their pleasure,” says Norén. “When you’re experiencing sexual difficulty, it’s so easy to lose sight of your partner. It all becomes about you as opposed to the shared experience. So focus on how I can help them experience pleasure,” she suggests. “If we’re talking about erections again, there’s so many ways you can have sex that don’t rely on an erection. But if penetration is something your partner really enjoys, then there are sex toys and other things you can use,” says Norén.
Talk to your sexual partner about it
“Let your partner know that you’re struggling,” says Norén. “I know a lot of people don’t want to, but it’s so helpful. Otherwise, you’re so focused on your erection, that you’re worried your partner’s going to notice that something’s wrong and you can’t use these tools because there’s a fear of being found out. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, even if it feels like it,” reassures Norén.
Norén suggests raising the conversation before sex, during sex, or after. “Just say: ‘I want you to know that this happens to me, or sometimes I get quite stressed about my erection during sex, I want you to know it’s not about you’,”. Norén also recommends asking for anything your partner can do or not do to make it better for you. “I think most of the time (if you’re in a healthy relationship) our partners just want to help and they don’t necessarily know how to or what not to do. So telling them can be really helpful.”
You can listen to Leigh Norén’s podcast In Bed With Science: A Sex Podcast on streaming platforms now.
