Problems getting an erection can be extremely frustrating – especially when you’re feeling that desire but can’t follow through. We asked an expert why men can suffer with performance anxiety – and why that can cause the loss of an erection
“Our culture is obsessed with having an erect penis,” says Leigh Norén, sex therapist, podcast host and intimacy coach. She mainly focuses on low desire, pressure and stress surrounding sex. “There are lots of ideas about how long men should last in bed and, especially if we’re thinking about heterosex, we focus a lot on penetration.”
“It can very much become a thing where you feel like you need to perform in a certain way,” she explains of the pressure on men surrounding sex. “If you’re a person who perhaps tends towards anxiety – you can be more prone to developing sexual performance anxiety.”
Why do we experience performance anxiety?
Performance anxiety can be caused by many different things. “For a lot of men, it often revolves around their penis, so getting hard or staying hard,” says Norén. “Sometimes it’s about coming sooner than they want to or they think they should. It could also be about making your partner come or having them experience pleasure – but often it’s focused around the erection – and the difficulties with an erection.”
“There are lots of different reasons why it happens,” Norén says. She explains that lifestyle factors can play a big part in the problem, with some people finding that the issue can arise at different times in their life. “For a lot of people, performance anxiety comes about when you’re stressed, depressed, anxious or you have body image concerns, but there are many causes.”
“Of course, age is a factor too, and I would say most men are going to experience some kind of performance anxiety at one time or another,” says Norén. “That doesn’t have to mean that everyone’s going to struggle with it for months or years, it could be a one-off or it could happen a few times and then not again.”
So, why can these things stop me from getting an erection?
“We often talk about anxiety in society as a purely mental thing, almost like with the right mindset, everything’s fine,” explains Norén. “But anxiety is very much a thing that takes place in the body. It’s physiological and it’s preparing you to fight or flee (the same kind of process as when we lived on the Savannah and had to run away from a saber-toothed tiger or whatever!). That’s the same thing that happens when we experience performance anxiety,” she says.
“Your breathing changes, your heart rate increases, and blood flow moves away from the genitals – so it’s a physiological thing that happens. You can’t control it by focusing on your erection or willing it to come about – and the more you focus on the anxiety, the less likely you are to stay hard.”
What to say to your sexual partner:
Norén recommends having a conversation with the person you’re having sex with to let them in on how you’re feeling. “I know a lot of people don’t want to, but it’s so helpful.” A conversation about the issue can really improve how both people feel because if this is an issue you’re struggling with, it can also be tough on your sexual partner, who might feel that the problem is related to them.
“I think one of the best ways for people to understand it is describing it in relation to it being physiological. It has nothing to do with you not being mentally turned on if that’s the case – but it’s purely physiological and you’re unable to steer that,” says Norén.
“You don’t have control over your liver function, and you don’t have control of your erectile function. Explaining it that way can sometimes be quite helpful.” Norén also suggests showing your partner that you think they’re sexy and attractive in other ways. “It doesn’t just have to be through sex, it could be through words or compliments or actions outside of the bedroom too.”
What to do if you’re worried
If you’re concerned about not being able to get or keep an erection, there are many things you can do to help. It might be worth an initial visit to the doctor to rule out any health contributors, but beyond that there are many techniques you can try. If you’re still struggling, speaking to sex therapist might really help you to overcome it.
We’ve also compiled a list of Norén’s top tips to try if you’re struggling with performance anxiety here. “You’re not alone and this doesn’t mean that it’s gonna go on forever,” says Norén. “There are lots of different things you can do to change it.”
You can listen to Leigh Norén’s podcast In Bed With Science: A Sex Podcast on streaming platforms now.
