Sex in long term relationships can easily become mundane – and that’s totally normal! But a healthy sex-life is important to keep relationships strong, so here’s what a sex therapist says you can do to spice up your sex life
Sex can be so exciting at the start of relationships, but after you’ve been together for years, it can get a bit…dare we say it? Samey. That doesn’t have to mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship though – or that it has to stay like that. Strong relationships take constant work, and that means in your sex life too.
“A feature of long-term relationships is that you will not want sex always at the same time,” says expert Leigh Norén – she’s a sex therapist, podcast host and intimacy coach, who focuses on low desire, pressure and stress surrounding sex. “Desire thrives on novelty for a lot of people and so if your day to day life looks the same all the time, of course you’re not going to be raring to go.”
“Try not to look at it like it’s a problem,” says Norén. “If you think it’s a problem, you’re likely to feel like you’re doomed in your relationship, and then you don’t really do anything about it,” she says. “It’s really common and there’s lots you can do – it doesn’t have to mean anything bad about your relationship specifically. Usually it’s just a sign something needs to change!”
What are common concerns around married sex?
Many people worry about how much sex they should be having in long term relationships – but the reality is that after a while together, differing sex drives are completely normal. “Even if you started out as amazingly in sync sexually, over time you’re going to notice that you’re not, and that’s not a bug, that’s a feature of long-term relationships,” says Norén.
“Learning how to deal with that is incredibly important, because otherwise you’re kind of jumping from relationship to relationship and likely bringing the dynamic you had in your previous one with you when it came to sex.”
Norén says that how much sex we’re having, or how much we want to have can have different bearings for different people in the relationship. “It’s about what meaning we attach to sex and how we use sex,” says Norén. “Especially in a lot of hetero relationships, generally speaking there are differences in how men and women are socialised to relate to sex, which then plays out in a relationship too.”
“I see a lot of men who feel like sex is the only way they can experience validation,” she says. “Whereas for women, there might be a more nuanced way of experiencing validation – or sex becomes that thing where they feel objectified and so that’s the last thing on their list after all the other things have been fulfilled.”
So, what can you do to bring a bit of spontaneity back and spice up your sex life?
• Initiate in new ways
Breaking free from your sex routine doesn’t need to be rocket science – it can be as simple as a change up in how you start the interaction. “Things like initiating in a different way,” suggests Norén. “For example, how about initiating in the morning if it’s always in the evenings – even a small change like that can make a big difference,” she says. “You could try sexting – just changing your day to day can sometimes help that spontaneity.”
- Introduce new ideas
It sounds simple, but trying new things in the bedroom can really help reintroduce that excitement for both parties. “Spicing things up is a really basic thing to say,” says Norén, but it can be very effective. She suggests each person bringing new toys or ideas into the relationship intermittently. “You could take turns to introduce stuff maybe on a monthly basis,” she says. “One person introduces something once and then the next time it’s someone else’s turn.”
- Change the sexual script
“There’s almost always a sexual script that’s been built up over time,” says Norén. “For a lot of people, they start with kissing, then there’s petting, then maybe oral sex and then vaginal sex, and then we’re done.” Instead, Norén suggests mixing up the go to and enforcing a change in routine; “What happens if you remove kissing? What do you start with then? Or what happens if you take vaginal sex off the table? Or what happens if you remove orgasms – where none of you is allowed to orgasm – what happens then?”
- Watch or listen to things about sex
It sounds strange but engaging in subjects around sex could be an effective way to refresh your sex life. “Watching or listening to something that is about sex and then having a conversation about that can also reintroduce or introduce something that you haven’t thought about in a while,” says Norén. “It could make you look at sex in a different way, which makes you both approach it in a different way – and that can be quite helpful too.”
