Many couples experience different sex drives from their partners. But how can you have a sex life that you’re both happy with? Men’s Fitness finds out
Contrary to popular belief, there really is no such thing as ‘normal’ when it comes to how much we should all be having sex. Despite an abundance of unhelpful stereotypes, how sexually active we are – and having a happy sex life – is hugely affected by a variety of things like age, relationship status, sexuality, health, lifestyle and many more – and let’s face it – we’re all pretty complicated!
According to London-based sex therapist Bjorn Ventris, how often we want to have sex is actually based on “our desires, wants, needs and experiences”. Ventris works with couples and individuals on issues around their physical and emotional intimacy in a range of topics all the way from sexual dysfunction, to mismatched libido, to separation.
“At the start of a relationship there is obviously more sex,” says Ventris. “That’s a lot to do with hormones (it’s basically a biological trick to make us want to have sex because it’s good for procreation), and so the ‘norm’ [for your relationship] isn’t the first six to eighteen months – it’s what happens after that,” he explains.
What kind of things prevent us from having more sex with our partners?
“Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it happens in context – so where, when, how, the mental states of those involved – all of these things affect it and then we all have different sensitivities to that,” says Ventris. “Some people are quite happy, they don’t get distracted, but lots of people need the conditions to be really good,” he says.
“Things like time of day or the environment, where is it? Have you got privacy? What’s the lighting? What are you wearing? What’s the temperature like? Have you got to get up tomorrow morning? I think being aware of all of that stuff makes a huge difference.”
Mental health can also have a huge impact, and obviously issues around body confidence or any previous trauma with sex can all affect our desire. “If you’re worried or depressed – all of that is occupying your mind,” he explains. “This takes you out of being able to be in the experience of sex, which is mostly about really being in your body and quietening down your mind.”
Varying sex drives between partners
Many people in relationships encounter an imbalance in how often they want to have sex, says Ventris. “It’s highly unlikely that you’re going to have exactly the same level of desire as your partner, so you have to negotiate. If there’s a difference in a relationship, it shouldn’t be ‘I want this’ and ‘you want this’, it’s ‘we want to have a sex life where we can both be happy and we need to find a solution for that’.”
According to Ventris – it’s often not the difference in libido that’s the problem, but rather if one party is continuously initiating and feeling rejected. “They could be taking it to mean that this other person just doesn’t find them attractive or doesn’t want to be with them. One person might feel rejected and the other person might feel overwhelmed”, he explains. “It’s how you have the discussion and how you find the compromise.”
What should I do if I’m worried about how sexually active I am?
“Firstly, I think what’s important is understanding what the sex means or the lack of sex means to you,” says Ventris. “Is it about connection, pleasure, or excitement? Is it about living up to some idea of what you think you should be having?
How often is one question, but it’s also what do we want to do, and who’s gonna initiate.” Different people can experience different types of desire; spontaneous desire (finding someone attractive and feeling desire), or responsive desire (feeling desire when we are desired).
He says that the solution is all about communication. “In couples, it often becomes easier not to talk about it, so an openness to this about it is really key for it to get better. We’re always very caught up in what’s going on for us and imagine that it’s easy for everyone else – or worry that we’re not doing it right – but once you start communicating, often what you’re worrying about dissipates.”
Ventris suggests trying to be curious and open with a sexual partner. “It’s such a gift to be told by someone, ‘this is what I like or this is what I don’t like’. Intimacy is really about vulnerability being able to be open – this can help you get more connected and better connection probably means better sex.”
