Low libido isn’t just about hormones. From stress to sleep, we decode the real causes of sexual performance dips – and what to do if you can relate
According to experts, it’s normal to experience drops in libido at different times in our lives – so why are we all so worried about it? “We all just want it to be normal,” says Leigh Norén, sex therapist and intimacy coach.
“It can’t be too low; it can’t be too high. It’s like Goldilocks! ‘Normal’ is not a real concept – it’s aiming for something that doesn’t really exist.” Leigh’s an expert who’s worked in sexology for about almost 10 years and focuses on low desire, pressure and stress surrounding sex.
“In my experience, there tends to be several things going on at once. It’s not usually just one reason.”
What is libido anyway?
Libido can really be split into two parts: physical and mental – desire and then erectile function. “Desire is the mental part, and sometimes that’s all people mean when they say libido,” says Leigh.
“Mental desire is basically wanting sex, getting turned on by the idea, mentally feeling like ‘yes, I want this’. Part of your mental mental desire could just be fantasizing as well,” explains the sexpert. The other side is how it affects the physical aspect of sex: “Oftentimes it’s more of the performance aspect of getting an erection and sustaining an erection,” says Leigh.
What can affect our libido?
First things first, before we talk about causes, we need to normalise fluctuations in libido. “It’s definitely common to experience dips,” says Leigh.
“Sometimes you have low libido when it comes to partnered sex, but you don’t have low libido when it comes to masturbation. So there’s that distinction too,” she explains.
Although a lot of what you see online might suggest that libido issues are linked to low testosterone, this is just one of many causes that could be affecting your libido. “I think the testosterone debate is so difficult because it makes it sound like it’s so basic and simple,” says Leigh. So what else could be impacting your sexual desire?
- Physical causes
“Biological causes could be things like testosterone, but then there are also causes such as diabetes or high blood pressure,” explains Leigh. “Sometimes that affects the erectile function more than the desire itself, but those two can kind of go hand in hand as well; i.e. if you lose your erectile function, you might also lose desire for the mental aspect.”
Other physical causes could be things like chronic pain and common antidepressants such as SSRIs, explains Leigh. “They are very well known for reducing desire and making your erectile function more unpredictable. Sometimes people are even prescribed SSRIs by doctors to make them delay how quickly they ejaculate – as they can affect your sexual function overall – so it’s quite telling of how big an effect they can have,” says Leigh.
“Other sexual difficulties that can impact your libido could be if you suffer from premature ejaculation, or if you struggle to ejaculate at all. There’s also things like erectile function or pain during sex – there are lots of different sorts of sexual difficulties that can lead to low libido.”
And even something as simple as bad sleep can cause a drop in libido! “I think everyone can relate to that,” says Leigh. “Especially if you’re thinking about something that for most people is physically an exertion, you’re not necessarily in the mood to do that if you’re tired.”
- Psychological causes
“There’s so many psychological and societal factors that also impact libido negatively that we don’t think about,” says Leigh. “Unrealistic sexual expectations are one of those things we don’t normally talk about; they massively can impact your libido if you feel like you’re not living up to the way you’re meant to be sexually, or as a man,” she says.
“I’ve had a lot of clients who don’t feel manly enough, maybe because they’re unemployed or they’re struggling in life and they feel like they’re not living up to that ideal of ‘what a man should be’,” she says. “That can then in turn affect their libido.”
“Things like shame around your turn-ons are quite common as well. Or maybe if you’ve grown up in a religious background, there’s often a lot of negative messaging about sex.”
Leigh says that the pressure of daily life can also have a big effect on how ‘up for it’ we are. “General stress has a huge impact on our desire levels – and that’s not strange!” she says. “Anxiety is meant to propel you towards things other than sex. If you experience fear – your body thinks you need to save yourself – and I think stress is the same.
“Even if an email isn’t actually life threatening, that’s the way the body can interpret it. So no wonder you don’t want to have sex if you’re kind of inundated by things that stress you out all the time.”
What to do if you’re worried?
If you’re concerned about your libido, it’s important to first consider why you feel that way, explains Leigh. “It’s not strange that you’re worried about it – but ask yourself, is this genuinely a problem for me? Or is it a problem because I believe that things should be different?”
“If it’s genuinely a problem for you, or it’s a problem in your relationship, then I would start by going just to see a GP just to kind of rule out if there is anything biological because that can be like an important first step and then looking at addressing other things too.”
I think it’s really important to start to understand, first off, is this a general thing? ‘Do I experience low libido in general?’ Is it: ‘I don’t wanna have sex and I don’t want to masturbate’, or is it more, ‘I’m fine with masturbating, I have the desire for that, but not with my partner’, because that’s going to clue you into it if there might be something with the relationship going on – so that’s really important.”
If the problems you’ve been experiencing have been going on for a while, and you’ve already seen your GP to establish they’re not physiological issues, then it also might be worth seeing a therapist to see if they can help you find a way through.
