Divorce is never the plan – and it can feel isolating and difficult to cope with. We asked a divorce coach how to get through it and feel more in control when you’re dealing with life change
WORDS: Megan Graye
“You don’t get married thinking you’re getting divorce,” says divorce and relationship coach Faye Petcher. “You get married with hopes and dreams and your future mapped out. So when that goes wrong, regardless of how it goes wrong, you’re grieving the end of a dream – the end of what you thought your life was going to be.”
Petcher is a divorce coach and integrated counselor who specialises in couples therapy – as well as individuals who’re going through separation and divorce. She’s also the author of ‘How to Succeed after Separation and Divorce’, which was published after she went through two divorces herself, inspiring her to retrain to help others in a similar situation.
“You’re having to start again, and that’s really difficult because you’re left with a blank sheet of paper thinking, ‘OK, what is my life gonna look like?’ There is so much to sort out,” says explains.
Despite the obvious difficulty faced in divorce, Petcher believes that it can also be an opportunity. “Yes – it’s scary, and how you feel one day is not necessarily how you feel another day. It can also be the start of really positive change: some people move to a new house or people change their jobs or careers like what I did, so it can be the platform for great beginnings.”
“When clients come to me, I always feel really excited for them,” adds Petcher. “Even though they don’t know it, things are going to change, and it’s about being able to change things for the better.”
Five ways to get life back on track after a divorce:
- Lean on those around you
“Emotional support when you’re going through a separation or divorce is a crucial foundation for getting through it,” says Petcher. “Whether that’s a friend or a family member – you need support yes, but you also need help with more practical stuff too (because with divorces comes legal paperwork, and if there’s children involved – there’s managing children and moving house). I think having that support is crucial,” she says.
“I think generally for men it’s a little bit more difficult to say to friends and family, ‘look I’m going through divorce and I’m really struggling,’ explains Petcher, who stresses that talking to those around you is a fundamental resource when it comes to recovery. “Just lean on people – on family members and friends – for the practical and for the emotional.”
- Speak to a professional therapist
“Regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, going through a divorce is extremely stressful,” says Petcher. “It can really knock your mental health and well-being and you can feel – especially for men – very lonely and isolated.” While talking to those around you is beneficial, it’s also important to speak to a professional who isn’t emotionally biased in your situation, recommends Petcher.
“Get a counsellor or someone professional that you can talk to that isn’t involved in what you’re going through,” suggests Petcher. “Because even though family and friends are great, divorce has ripples, it doesn’t just stop at the two people involved – it ripples out into family members and they struggle with that – get that independent support through a counsellor or a coach.”
- Join community support groups
Petcher suggests checking out your local community information for what’s on in your area, whether that’s finding overtly supporting groups, or just socials that could put you in situations with likeminded people. “I always advise everyone who comes to me: there’s some great support networks out there, especially for men,” says Fletcher. “Where I live there’s a couple of social groups just for men to get out together and talk and socialise.
The YMCA has support groups, and so does Mind. Where I live, there’s one which is part of the football club and there’s also one called Andy’s Man Club which is a social club for men just to get together: they go bowling, they go walking, canoeing, whatever that is,” says Petcher. “You do find that it’s a safe space for you to talk about stuff, and be able to talk to people that are maybe going through the same thing – it makes you feel as if, ‘actually this isn’t just me’.”
- Exercise
It may sound simple, but exercise can be pretty life changing when it comes to mental health. “It was really valuable to me when I was going through both my divorces,” says Petcher. “Whether that’s the gym, swimming, walking, it’s great for regulating your nervous system – which helps with lowering anxiety and depression.”
Petcher offers walk and talk sessions in her therapy and coaching for exactly this reason. “I have more men that do this – if they don’t want to sit with me face to face in my therapy room, (which can be a bit overwhelming), they can do my walk and talk; so we get out in nature, we put our walking boots on, it’s kind of like a more relaxed therapy session. I do find that just to get out and just exercise is so beneficial.”
- Get some legal and financial advice:
“A lot of the time through divorce, a lot of people feel out of control,” says Petcher. She recommends getting some financial and legal advice so you can know your rights and make it feel more manageable. “A lot of places now offer 30 minutes free advice, so you can start being able to feel that security. Just go in and find out what’s happening and get the ball rolling so you know what needs to happen – or what could happen so you can feel more in control,” she says.
“Then you can say ‘I’ve got all of my ducks in a row and am strong enough to continue with this process’. That place of knowledge is power, and so this can help you to feel more empowered.”
