From self-doubt to changing expectations, experts reveal what men need to know about starting new relationships after a major life change
Words: Rhys Thomas Pics: Shutterstock
You’ve seen the headlines: we’re in a sex recession. The increasing isolation, technology reliance, and busyness of the world means we tend to find ourselves a lot more isolated, a lot less used to the concept of meeting new people or being intimate with our loved ones.
When we do, we tend to put more pressure on the occasion. This tends to make things worse, which sets us on a spiral to celibacy and solitude.
But it doesn’t have to be this way, nor should it be. We’re keenly aware that loneliness has huge health implications, and, also, ultimately connection makes us feel good.
And that’s what health is all about – feeling good. So have a read, see how you feel, as with any journey it may not be easy – but it may be worth it in the end.
Start with questioning why your confidence is lacking
The world of psychology comes across complicated, but often a simple and honest answer to “why” can get us working in the right direction.
Body confidence
Despite what we like to pretend, we’ve all had body confidence issues at times. These can present at any time, perhaps we’re approaching a new stage of life, an injury or a heavy workload means we feel we’ve let go a little.
Whatever it may be, our bodies are always changing and these adjustments can be hard to take, even if we’re not the sort of person who necessarily worries about aging.
Re-entering the scene is vulnerable
“Dating again after divorce or loss can bring up a lot of vulnerability,” says therapist John-Jackson Almond. We are creatures of habit, suddenly being thrown in the deep end after years on the beach is very difficult to navigate. Times change; you may be contending with apps having last been single before the iPhone was invented. This will inevitably cause us to doubt everything, because it is new.
Overthinking it all
Like a commentator going on about expected goals during a Barcelona match, there’s nothing less romantic than over-analysing performance. “When reality doesn’t match this script, performance anxiety takes over” says Dr Nick Wakefield of Soho Psychology London. “Another major sign of not being in the moment is ‘spectatoring’, where a man is mentally observing and judging his own performance during intimacy.”
How to build confidence
While not exhaustive, these common issues are things to consider or rule out accordingly. When we find what it is that is causing us anxiety, we have to do what we can to tell ourselves to trust this new journey.
Give yourself a break
Building confidence means proving our anxieties wrong. It’s pushing through the pain of things, persisting. In some ways it’s a lot like training until failure (uncomfortable, sore, but managed well, it is the best for gaining).
That isn’t to say it has to be a fight. “Typically, overcoming sexual insecurity begins by developing awareness and compassion towards oneself,” says Dr. Lori Bohn, Medical Director at Voyager Recovery Center.
While not entirely comfortable, a way to do this is to reduce stigma. Normalising how we feel in conversation with friends, a partner or therapist tends to be profound in “breaking the cycle of isolation that keeps sexual confidence low,” says Dr Wakefield.
You’ll probably find there’s strength in numbers here: back in March 2023, a survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that roughly a third of married couples slept in separate beds at least occasionally, for instance. Either way, it’ll give you plenty to work with and reflect on.
When it comes to body confidence in particular, the compassion to accept changes is a chance for us to either move into new modes of fitness and nutrition, or to simply find peace in the miracle of ageing (not everyone gets to, after all!).
Redefining sex as connection, not performance
When it comes to sex-related performance, of course it is wise to “rule out any cardiovascular or hormonal hindrances with a GP” says Dr Wakefield. While they are a little bit too prevalent in the media sometimes, a usefully marketed “fix”, they are increasingly common issues, especially with age, so it’s wise to just be sure.
When that’s sorted, it is key to “stop measuring the success of sexual encounters based upon performance, think about how it builds emotional connections through open communication, empathy, patience, and overall enjoyment.” says Dr Bohn. Dr Wakefield concurs, saying that “broadening the definition of intimacy removes the pressure cooker environment”.
Communication
Whether with yourself or a partner, it is important to remember to take a step back from sexual confidence. How is the bigger picture? If you are in a relationship, are there things you need to talk about in order to feel better connected, for example. Sometimes a lack of physical arousal can speak to something not being right in other areas.
Of course, there can even be major identity shifts later in life that we are struggling to come to terms with. “Feeling a mismatch between personal desires and societal expectations can severely erode confidence,” says Dr Wakefield. These are also ideas worth considering and embracing. Feeling comfortable inside, tends to mean we feel better outside in the end.
This goes beyond sex, too
Really, if we’re getting into it, often much of this is about esteem. Sex is the scenario, low esteem is the feeling. It’s about a lack of confidence in being seen by other people properly, being truthful and vulnerable around those you love. And when it comes to meeting new people, remember you’re both going through this same sensation.
“Men who feel at ease with their own sexuality typically communicate better with others, experience less shame related to their sexuality, and are capable of forming stronger emotional connections,” says Dr Bohn.
