Male fertility coach Shaun Greenaway explains why the pain of infertility feels heavier during the festive season
“When I found out I was infertile, it was a life-changing moment,” recalls Shaun Greenaway, male fertility coach and now the proud father of twins via a sperm donor.
“There was an absolute swell of emotions,” says Shaun, speaking on mental health platform JAAQ. “It was like being swept along by the tide and I was just trying to keep my head above the water.
“I was doubting who I was a man, as a husband and as a provider because I couldn’t provide something I’d always assumed I would be able to. It was one of my life’s most challenging moments.”
For Shaun, life changed again when his wife announced her pregnancy just before Christmas having opted for a sperm donor. Despite the initial elation, Shaun confides that now Christmas serves as a paradoxical reminder of both delight and jealousy.
“We got a pregnancy announcement at Christmas, and it took me right back to that place. That hurt. That weird feeling of happiness mixed in with anger and pain,” he says.
And he’s not alone. Research reveals that nearly three in four people battling infertility are burdened with feelings of failure, adding to the hidden grief many already feel during the holidays.
Founder and CEO of Fertility Help Hub, Eloise Edington, knows that pain well. Supporting her devastated husband – who was found to be infertile – while navigating her own grief, she recalls when speaking on JAAQ.
“Supporting my devastated husband while also equally grieving myself and knowing that we would never have a biological child together meant we were both drowning in separate pain,” says Eloise.
She’s open about the reality of those moments: “Lots of crying, lots of eating chocolate, wine, being together. Not pretty. Not Pinterest-worthy. Just real.”
For Shaun, having children hasn’t healed his infertility, but it has given him a different outlook. “I reached my acceptance of infertility before we opted for donor sperm,” says Shaun.
“What my children has done is allow me to live a life full of love and so much happiness. But they will never change the fact that I’m infertile.”
JAAQ has revealed four essential dos and don’ts for talking about infertility this Christmas – whether you’re facing it yourself or want to approach the topic sensitively with others.
Dos:
- 1. Think before you ask sensitive questions about pregnancy or starting a family, and wait for them to bring it up themselves naturally in conversation
- 2. Share with someone you trust – If you are struggling, consider speaking openly with someone, whether in person or by message, which can help you to process your emotions.
- 3. Encourage without imposing your opinion. If someone shares something personal, listen fully before responding. Let them know you are there for them and ask how you can support them, rather than assuming what they need.
- 4. Create a Christmas routine that works for you. If traditional celebrations feel overwhelming, permit yourself to do things differently. You might skip the big dinner, start a new ritual like a quiet morning walk with coffee, or find other ways to mark the day that feel manageable.
Don’ts:
- Don’t ask personal questions about pregnancy or family plans, especially in social settings
- Don’t offer unsolicited advice like ‘just relax’ or ‘it’ll happen when it’s meant to’
- Don’t probe with follow-up questions if someone opens up; listen supportively rather than asking questions that might cause unintentional distress
- Don’t pressure someone to participate in every activity or ‘get into the spirit.’ Sometimes the kindest thing is simply allowing them to step away
